When was the last time someone told you to stop worrying about what other people think and it actually worked? It doesn’t. That’s because, in order to truly stop worrying about other’s opinions of us, we have to understand ourselves and know God on a deeper level. This episode I talk about how to stop worrying about what other people think.

When we try to cure ourselves of worrying about what others think of us with our actions, we neglect the heart and soul change needed to actually live life like the only thing that matters is God. In this episode, I’m digging deep into the 4 different attachment styles, the 4 basic styles of communication, and the 4 different types of soil described in the Bible to help you understand why you value the opinion of others and find the healing available to you through Christ.

4 types of attachment styles

Secure attachment refers to the ability to form secure, loving relationships with others.
A securely attached person can trust others and be trusted, love and accept love, and get close to others with relative ease. They’re not afraid of intimacy, nor do they feel panicked when their partners need time or space away from them. They’re able to depend on others without becoming totally dependent.

Anxious attachment is a form of insecure attachment style marked by a deep fear of abandonment.
Anxiously attached people tend to be very insecure about their relationships, often worrying that their partner will leave them and thus are always hungry for validation. 

Avoidant attachment is a form of insecure attachment style marked by a fear of intimacy.
People with avoidant attachment style tend to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others in relationships. They typically maintain some distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring to be independent and rely on themselves. 

Fearful avoidant attachment is a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately crave affection and want to avoid it at all costs. They’re reluctant to develop a close romantic relationship, yet at the same time, they have a dire need to feel loved by others.

4 basic styles of communication

Passive Communication

  • Not expressing feelings or needs; ignoring your own personal rights and allowing others to do so
  • Deferring to others for decision making in order to avoid tension or conflict
  • Often leads to misunderstanding, built-up anger, or resentment
  • Can be a safer communication option when a conflict may escalate to violence

Aggressive Communication

  • Expressing feelings, needs, and ideas at the expense of others; ignoring others’ rights in order to support your own
  • Defensive or hostile when confronted by others
  • Often alienates and hurts others
  • Can help meet your needs quickly

Passive-Aggressive Communication

  • Appearing passive on the surface, but subtly acting out anger
  • Exerting control over others by using sarcasm and indirect communication, or avoiding the conversation
  • Limited consideration for the rights, needs, or feelings of others

Assertive Communication

  • Direct, honest communication of thoughts and feelings
  • Respecting the feelings, ideas, and needs of others while also asserting your own
  • May not be effective when interacting with individuals that threaten your personal safety
  • People often misinterpret assertive behavior as aggressive  

4 types of soil found in Matthew 13:3-8

“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places . . . Other seed fell among thorns . . . Still other seed fell on good soil.” — Matthew 13:3–8.

The seed that is sown on the path is not able to penetrate the ground because of the constant use. The condition of the first soil is hard and impermeable.

The second type of soil mentioned in the parable is the “rocky” places” or the shallow soil where the plow didn’t cut deeply enough to break up the shale or hard ground just below the surface. This soil produced only plants with weak, shallow roots.

The third type of soil mentioned is the thorny soil, most likely found in the corners of the field where the plow couldn’t reach; here, weeds overtook what was planted.

All the types of soils mentioned here are actually in the same plot of ground with one major difference: Only one area was fully yielded to cultivation, to being changed and prepared for planting. That area was called the good soil.

The greatest amount of fruit produced was not determined by how rich the soil was, but how yielded to the plow it was. The soil in each condition received seed, but not all produced quality fruit.

Everyone receives a seed, the Word of God. Everyone has potential for the harvest, living a fruitful life, but the ones who will produce the most fruit will be the ones most yielded to cultivation.

5 takeaway action steps for how to stop worrying about what other people think

  1. Ask yourself what type of communicator you are and why you communicate in that way.
  2. Determine your attachment style.
  3. Consider how those two things relate to the type of seed you feel you are planting.
  4. What’s the root of why opinions paralyze you? Why do you worry about them?
  5. Journal what you think and learn about yourself

Resources mentioned: 

Learning Discernment and Knowing the Critical Spirit with Phylicia Masonheimer

Another episode you may like Finding Calm in a Chaotic World

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